My spendthrift ex used our joint account to fund her extravagant lifestyle (2025)

In this series we speak to different people from different walks of life about how they and their partners, or in some cases, ex-partners, handle finances – and the problems that arise. Here, Dave* explains how his ex always preferred the finer things in life, and liked to snoop on what he would spend, despite earning less than half of what he did.

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When I met my ex in 2011, I knew she was really carefree with money. She was, ironically, a cashier in a bank, and she was earning in the mid-twenties. I’m a lawyer – junior at the time – so while I didn’t start off earning double what she did, I eventually did. She had a lot of personal debt. She’d lost her dad a few years before, and I assumed she had just gone off the rails a bit. Nevertheless, it was an alarm bell.

So when we moved in together on the south coast of England, I was happy to split the £600 per month rent down the middle but drew the line at us having a joint bank account where both of our wages would be paid in. My instinctive reaction was, “No, absolutely not”. I knew about her spending habits, and I really wanted to avoid putting my money at risk.

As the relationship went on, she kept asking for a joint account. I eventually agreed we could have one for emergencies that we would only pay £100 or £200 a month into. It would be for things like food or other essentials at the end of the month or last-minute birthday presents for friends.

Over time, it became more than just essentials—she would use the joint card for everything. We’re both from ordinary backgrounds, but she seemed really concerned with what other people thought of her.

She’d always go to Waitrose over Sainsbury’s. Despite working part-time in the end, she bought high-end recipe kits with organic ingredients instead of buying normal ingredients and following a recipe. She always wanted the more expensive versions of things.

She wouldn’t just make do with a normal Pinot Grigio; it was always an expensive glass of something, and when we went away, rather than just staying in a Premier Inn, she’d want to go to a five-star hotel. I’d look at the transactions and wonder how we managed to spend £300 from an account that was really meant for emergencies.

Each month, she’d spend her own pay within a week or two, splashing out on bottles of champagne, £250 hair appointments and spa visits. As she’d emptied out the joint account spending on other things, I had to use my own money to get shared groceries that we were meant to fairly split between the two of us. She wouldn’t budget, and I was spending my money to finance what seemed like her needlessly extravagant lifestyle.

When we had a child together a few years back, my ex took a year off, getting enhanced maternity pay for six months, statutory for three, and nothing for the last three. I’d never blame our child for any of the money problems, but after they arrived, it did become easier for my ex to insist on more money.

Children are expensive, but she wouldn’t just buy baby clothes from normal places; she would always make a point of getting the more upmarket versions. She’d say, “We can’t scrimp and save; this is our child, and they’re important”, but she was buying designer labels. She would get competitive with mums of similar-aged children. If one mother from one family bought tickets to the zoo, we also needed to do that. If another mum said, “We got our child this toy from here,” we’d have to do the same thing, too.

Even when buying gifts for our child’s friends, we had to buy from John Lewis rather than ordinary shops. I know they’re our first and only child so I get that my ex wanted to spoil them a bit, but the way she spent wasn’t an unfounded, new thing.

One day, my main bank card stopped working, so I ended up having to use this joint account for a week while the bank sorted out my main card. Every time I’d spend any money, she would grill me on it. It’d always be something stupid, like buying a round of drinks for some colleagues. It wasn’t anything dodgy. I always got loads of questions on every transaction: “Well, how did it cost that much? How many of you were there? How long were you staying out? Did they all buy their own rounds?”

I think she suspected I was having an affair, but I wasn’t, and even if I was going to do it, I wouldn’t be stupid enough to do it from a joint bank account. I never had anything to hide, but I didn’t want her to know out of principle. She was snooping on me and I just didn’t like the idea of it. I remember thinking it was quite rich, considering what she was like with her own spending.

When I earned bonuses at work, I kept them quiet because otherwise, I knew my ex would spend them before the money cleared in my bank.

We broke up at the end of 2020. We just weren’t really getting along and she was being unduly negative and nagging. Money wasn’t the particular issue, but lockdown did delay us breaking up as you do have to be in a sufficiently strong financial position to leave. And when you’re over £500 down a month to effectively subsidise someone’s excessive spending, that can impact it.

I never asked for the money back. I just wanted to get out of there. Having a child together had increased the feeling of being trapped because it meant a breakup would cause even more disruption and upset. My ex was still working, but she seemed very keen to try to rely on my income. When we separated, we didn’t have any assets to distribute as we’d never got married. That was a bit of a relief.

I now pay her £1,000 per month towards our child, about £250-£300 more than the legal minimum, and leave her to decide how best to spend it, making clear that the amount is not going to go up.

Every time I take our kid out, I pay for everything, and every now and then my ex asks for additional things, like school shoes or contributions to holidays. Sometimes, she’ll take our child out shopping, overspend and ask me if I’m willing to contribute, but in a way that would make it sound unreasonable for me to say no. In those cases, I calculate what I think a fair price would be. I’ll either pay if it seems reasonable or, if not, I’ll calculate what I’d expect to pay if I went out and found suitable alternatives. Then I’ll contribute anywhere between 30 per cent to 50 per cent of the cost.

I’ve always gone above and beyond what the law requires. I’ve been lucky enough to have had quite a few pay rises since I left my ex, but I’m happy not to have revealed those to her. My experience with her has made me cautious for future relationships. It’s been a relief that, of the two women I’ve had relationships with since, they’ve both been financially independent and sensible. If anything, they probably got a bit annoyed when I was trying to pay for more stuff.